Finding out if I still have a job after sitting in a review meeting on Friday. Fear of unknown, how it will impact my life.

I felt fearless today

I will face my fear of going some place where there will be people I don’t know by myself

I will challenge my fear that I am not capable, that I can not make it on my own.
Four and a half months ago I had just moved house with my partner – we’d been engaged for 18 months, had booked our wedding venue and we’re planning our big day. Our wedding was 11 months away. I had a plan, I’d known where my life was going, and I was happy… Skip forward a few week later and my fiance left me, bought a Harley and a hammock, abandoned his own business, and left on a three month solo camping trip. Now, I don’t know what my future holds, and I have to face it alone. I will challenge my fear that I won’t be able to pick myself up, re-assemble the pieces of my shattered life and heart, and become a whole and fully functioning person again.

My fear of moving forward. My fear of success in my life. My fear of letting go of the fact that all I deserve is the left over garbage that the universe likes to serve up to me on large platters. I deserve more. I want to create something great.

This is kind of bizarre. So yesterday I told my yoga teacher I was sick of him and sick of taking his classes. This is the kind of guy who gets excited as others progress and is so eager to share what he has learned and just has a big open heart and everything. But I also had some strong feelings for him and maybe took a little too much in. So whatever that was, it opened up some pain in my heart, a lot of guilt, and trying to get through what I want to say to him versus what I need to work through myself. Was I taking these classes just to know him better? I wanted to talk to him for a while. I just didn’t know what about. I wrote a few cards and didn’t give them to him and this is the response I give him. So I made some treat bags and have a special on with a painted rock on it. He doesn’t need a painted rock. Is that just some immature bribe to talk to someone when you know you’ve made a mistake, but the mistake came out in such an honest and hurtful way. I am just going to try to brush through these emotions and see what comes out. Plan on journaling a little later. This wasn’t his fault and I’m proving to be on the immature side of things here. But I am working through emotions too. And I did totally scare myself.

Accurate reporting of what I am eating

Today I fear of not being able to stand out. I’ve tried to connect with others but it ends up horrible. I get ignored and sometimes they question me and they don’t treat me the way they’d treat others.