Ok, so we are going to tell you the secret to winning the permanent approval and love of others…
…
there is none.
There is no way for any of us to really control another person, we can't even control what goes in our own minds half of the time!
Attempting to control the behaviors of another person, just so you can feel good is manipulation …
not love.
Granted, it's an innocent manipulation that all of us have probably engaged in during the course of our lives. After all, how could we not draw the conclusion that people should act a certain way in order for us to feel better, for us to feel loved, based on our cultural story about love, relationships, and how emotions work?
We each have so many unexamined rules in place in regards to ourselves and our relationships. Many of which have unwittingly caused us suffering and distress.
Does any of the following sound familiar:
- “I need him/her to in order to be happy/feel loved.”
- “When s/he does [xyz behavior], s/he don't love me.”
- “Communication is the key to a healthy relationship.”
- “I want him to express himself.”
- “I need her to respect me.”
- “If he loves me, he will just know…”
- “I need him/her to accept me as I am, to love me unconditionally.”
- “In healthy relationships, people don't fight.”
- “You have to work hard at love and relationships.”
- “I can change him/her” or “Things will change once we are married/have children.”
- “Egh, that is so unmanly. I need a man to…”
It is a cultural pattern to blame others for how we feel and when we are in a state of insecurity and disconnection it can get downright hostile. Yet, if we are honest with ourselves … if we don't know how to feel love, attend to our own needs, or generate approval within ourselves in any given moment … how can we expect someone else to do it for us?
We are looking for love and approval in the wrong place. You wouldn't believe how many times, people have been in relationships, long-term relationships – 3 years, 5 years, 10 years where they felt they couldn't be themselves. That sounds exhausting! Putting up a pretense that you like this or that, or that you are like this or that, when it really isn't true.
It can be the most beautiful thing in the world to be in relation with oneself and another person when we feel free enough to just be ourselves.
Please give yourself all the time you need today to work through the journaling exercise.