Play today's Going Deeper session below:
Note: Before we dig any deeper, you likely have already come across resources, professionals, and well-meaning friends who list all the reasons why you should forgive. I invite you to be kind and listen to yourself. It may not be possible to forgive at this moment, and that is perfectly ok. I am not suggesting you force it. Contrary to our beliefs that equate “good” people with the ability to forgive, you are not a bad person if you don't feel the inclination to forgive at this moment, just a person.
Forgiveness is a funny concept … if we really investigate it. Forgiveness is a bit righteous, isn't it?
In order for me to forgive you, I have had to have made a judgement about you in the first place. I already think that “I know better than you”/“I am better than you” when I have judged your words or actions as wrong or bad, before it ever even occurs to me to forgive you. Then, I judge again if you are worthy or not of forgiveness.
But what if forgiveness was as simple as going back to feeling the same way about you as I did before? What if forgiveness has nothing to do with being a pushover, weak, or naive.
I am not saying we shouldn't each be accountable for our actions or try to learn from our mistakes…what I am alluding to is that in general, people do the best they can given what options they think they have in any given moment.
Let me give an example. I will never forget when I was working with a mentor who used to get beaten as a child, so badly that she would get migraine headaches. When she was an adult she asked him, “Dad, why did you used to beat me like that?” He replied in all earnest, “What was I supposed to do?”
Now, I am not saying it is ok to beat children. What I am saying is that her father truly didn't see any other option for disciplining his children. The only option that looked viable was to hit them. Now, it may be easy for you or me to see that that is not a helpful or appropriate way of disciplining children, but you, me, and my mentor’s father have had completely different life experiences and derived different meanings out of those different experiences. Meaning, we all truly and literally live in separate worlds, separate realities.
When we see the psychological innocence of others, it becomes easier to understand, drop our judgements, and forgive. When we realize that if we would have had the same life experiences and thought the same way about them, we would likely act the exactly same way as the person we are struggling to forgive, it is quite humbling and freeing even.
Forgiveness doesn't mean you favor or agree with the behavior that was enacted. Forgiveness means you are in favor of compassion, humility, and in understanding the intricacies of being human. In forgiving, you contribute in some small way to the future of humanity.
How many wars, violent acts, and divorces could be prevented if both parties were not engaged in reactivity, judgement, and led by emotion. If instead both parties acted with logic and understanding?
Some schools of thought like A Course in Miracles, purport that there is actually no guilt in anyone, that only love is real. I will leave this statement up to you for your own further investigation.
Key Takeaways
- We all have had completely different life experiences and derived different meanings out of those different experiences. Meaning, we all truly and literally live in separate worlds, separate realities.
- When we see the psychological innocence of others, it becomes easier to understand, drop our judgements, and forgive.
- If we had the same life experiences and thought the same way about a person we are struggling to forgive, we would likely act the exact same way.
- Forgiveness means you are in favor of compassion, humility, and in understanding the intricacies of being human.