When you think of an epidemic, what comes to your mind?
Addiction. Depression. Violence. Divorce.
Yet, what if there was a common denominator underneath all of these social epidemics, a core cause we can only label as shame.
Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the labeling of “wrong” or foolish behaviour. It goes beyond guilt, for guilt entails feeling bad about something. Shame implies we are bad.
See the difference?
Shame is something that is inflicted upon ourselves by ourselves. It is also something that is inflicted upon us by others and something we inflict upon them. It is highly correlated with addiction, unhappiness, mental illness, and relationship breakdowns.
Shame is an intensely painful notion that we are unworthy of love and that we don't belong.
Reflect on this for a moment.
How many times in your life have you heard phrases like…
Stop that!…Put that down…Stop crying…There is no reason for you to be upset…You should be ashamed of yourself!…I told you so…What will your father think?…You drive me crazy…Be quiet…Because I said so…Shame on you…I can't believe you did that!…You do that just to hurt me…….
As you got older, this likely turned into an internal dialogue that sounded a bit like this…
Won't I ever learn?…I shouldn't feel like this… I should know better…That was dumb…What is wrong with me?!…S/he was right to leave…I guess I am destined to be alone…People don't understand me…I am just too much to handle…I can't be myself…I don't have any time for myself…They don't even know the real me…
I remember one time I was at personal development conference for days on end and then went to sit on the floor to stretch my legs and this personal development leader asked me to please sit back in my chair, implying my behavior of sitting of the floor was inappropriate, shameful, or even embarrassing.
The socialization process (which encompasses the media, advertisements, books, movies, parenting, schooling, etc.) led us to internalize some basic operating rules for social survival in the “real world”:
- Avoid showing too much emotion, especially negative emotions such as anger (especially if you are a woman) or sadness (especially if you are a man).
- Think about how many looks a mother gets on an airplane or at the grocery store if her child is expressing one of these natural human emotions.
- Don't stick out too much, don't be too different. Being true to what you really want to do with your life or how you really feel is impractical in the “real world.”
- Don't admit you are uncertain about something (especially if you are a leader, parent, counselor, or teacher).
- Pain and “negative” feelings are bad. We should pursue a 24/7 state of happiness. If we aren't happy or in love, it's our own fault and something is definitely wrong.
- We should work on ourselves. We should follow the advice of others. We should find a good job, a husband/wife and “settle down.”
This led us to adaptions where:
Being critical with ourselves is the only way to improve ourselves and reach a better quality of living. We learned to be on the lookout for flaws within ourselves and work hard to fix them. (After all, only then would we become happy, worthy, and lovable).
As a child, you quickly saw the link between a behavior mommy and daddy didn't like and those that they approved of. As young children, many of us then tended to stop listening to ourselves and start acting in accordance with what the adults in our lives desired. As an adult, this fear of disapproval persists as we try to catch our flaws and fix them before other people notice, putting ourselves down before others get the chance to.
Our intrinsic value became tied to extraneous things like our work ethic, physical appearance, talents, financial prowess, and other accomplishments.
We need to find “true love” ie. a romantic partner in order to be happy.
Based on this exporation, it is no wonder that every person I (Amy) have worked with professionally (as a counselor and coach) has expressed at one point or another, they feel not good enough.
Of course we have concluded there is something wrong with us, what other conclusion were we supposed to draw?!
Bottom line message: We are not ok as we are. We need to act this particular way in public, buy this toy, try on that lipstick, graduate from this college, get that job, buy this house, acquire this car, marry that person… in order to be fulfilled, secure, and happy in life.
This challenge operates on a completely different notion. There is nothing wrong with you.
Note: I am not saying you shouldn't learn or improve skills you have such as playing the piano. But wanting skill acquisition is different than believing you need to improve the character and core of who you are, that who you are at a fundamental level is not enough.
What many of us did not experience consistently growing up was:
- A space in which we were deeply listened to, so we could come up with our own answers…and in so, learn to trust ourselves and our inner wisdom.
- To love, appreciate, and accept ourselves for who we are in the moment.
- To learn from, but not get bogged down by behavior. To look beyond behavior and acknowledge psychological innocence: the notion that any person can only take action from his/her our state-of-mind in that moment.
So that is what the next three weeks of this challenge will focus on.
Consider that the process of being shameful and critical of yourself is not helping you get anywhere.
It is not admirable. It is not proof of how responsible you are or how much integrity you have. It is not a prerequisite for personal growth.
Scientific research and countless case studies are exposing this misunderstanding for what it is today: the process of shame and self-hate is a rat race which only breeds more shame and self-hate.